Hey now...don't waste all that champagne

I enjoy this picture for so many reasons, the most important of which is how deftly it illustrates just how little I understand the behavior patterns of straight boys.

Also, bless his heart, could he look more like Beetlejuice right now?

I'm not judging--I'm just saying.

Best Person Competition

Actress Angelina Jolie listens during a Congressional briefing by the Global Business Coalition on HIV/AIDS in the Capitol in Washington September 28, 2005. The GBC is hosting events this week in Washington to applaud companies active in the global AIDS fight, to coordinate the private sector response to the AIDS pandemic and to meet with Congressional Leaders on how to build opportunities for business and government collaboration on HIV/AIDS. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

I don't know what annoys me more, that she's winning the "Best Person Competition" she and I are currently engaged in, or that she has no idea that she's even competing. Dammit, Jolie. You're far too worthy an opponent. I'm not even friggin' close.

My humanitarian efforts for the year: NOT hitting any homeless people with my car.

Angelina Jolie's: Curing AIDS and saving bunches of babies.

Well, it looks like we're running neck and neck there, folks. It's gonna be a tight race, that much is certain.

Flying Meat

Every now and again, I'm reminded of why I have been a vegetarian for the past couple of years.

Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin flips a hamburger for charity on the front lawn of Parliament Hill in Ottawa September 28, 2005. Martin joined other political leaders and United States Ambassador David Wilkins in a charity barbecue to raise money for hurricane victims. REUTERS/Chris Wattie

This has nothing to do with my personal feelings about Canada and everything to do with how that slab o' greasy beef looks whilst airborne.

Oh Celine

It's been far too long since I took a trip to www.celinedion.com.

Here we have a lovely picture of Celine explaining to Nancy O'Dell from Access Hollywood or Mary Hart for Entertainment Tonight (...frankly, I don't know, and don't care to find out which generic blonde "entertainment news" anchor this is...) how she used to pretend to play with a glowing golden orb back in the day, when she was taking a lot of ecstasy and going out for all-night raves in Quebec. She said it was at one of these raves that she came up with the whole chest-pounding thing, which is of course, the kind of genius you can only attain through complete and utter insanity.

And knowing both of these individuals' personal dating histories, I think we can all guess why this picture makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Take a big whiff

Ah, thank you, A Socialite's Life for reminding me how much I enjoy a little Kimora Lee Simmons news.


I guess she's got this new fragrance out, called Baby Phat Goddess, which I've heard described as smelling like, "ass and fruit."


Watch out, boys. Mama's got a new secret weapon. Resistance is futile.

Time to get mushy

For real, y'all, thanks for reading my blog. It looks like I'm coming up on 3000 hits and were we in high school, that might be enough votes to get me homecoming queen.

Fuck yeah. I'm finally popular.

Rock on, Internet.

Dakota Fanning Scares Me

I just saw a preview for the latest movie with Dakota Fanning in it and it just reminded me how creepy she is. I remember watching some interview with her, talking about how during War of the Worlds it was so great, "working with Stephen (Spielberg)."**

I hate it when kids have composure. What is that? And when they say things like, "it was a great opportunity."


**This is me shuddering, way creeped out.

In my own personal nightmare, Haley Joel Osment and Dakota get married and create their own race of preternaturally world-weary children with big, terrifying eyes and fucked up teeth.

Bony fists of fury

So, check it, kids. Mischa Barton and Kimberly "Who?" Stewart are apparently battling it out over the same guy--Kim's ex-boyfriend, some dude, whose name I'm not even going to bother typing.

Here, of course, is the best part of the article:

Kim's manager, however, says the incident never happened, insisting to Radar, "Kimberly hasn't had any contact with Mischa and was really surprised to hear this. She's moved on. She's doing her own thing."

I'm sorry...WTF?!?!?! The bitch actually has a manager? What exactly gets managed? Any jobs Kim might procure, using her resume which boldly states in her qualifications section: "Rod Stewart's daughter"? I can see the "objective" section on that: "To convert oxygen into carbon dioxide in the most auspicious manner possible."

Good luck with that, Kimmy.

And for Pete's sake, when your friends start sleeping with your ex-boyfriends, that's when it's time to realize that you should maybe start hanging out with people other than the ol' gang from the Peach Pit.

My new favorite word

So I'm watching a lot of bad TV and I happen to catch a Revlon commercial with Halle Berry advertising Revlon's latest and most improved mascara.

In the commercial, Halle asks me, "Why have great lashes when you can be FABULASH?" and frankly, I don't know. Being fabulash sounds fucking great--especially if it makes you look like Halle Berry.


And while we're at it, have you seen the ads for the Ipex? You know, "the world's most perfect bra," by Victoria's Secret? It's great. They act as if the bra were developed by NASA or something.

Please. As if a bra's gonna make you look like Gisele Buendchen, or Heidi Klum. Ridiculous.

I want one. And I want it now. Somebody please buy me the magic bra that turns you into a beautiful lady.



I'm not gonna lie, kids. I'm kind of in a grouchy mood. The ol' Golden Nugget's in bad shape right now. Blech, ugh and bah humbug. There. That's me being pissed off. ;)

And, of course, there's only one thing left to do. You guessed it. Gonna take a hot shower and paint my toe nails pink. Cause it gives me a sense of control in this crazy, messed up world.

Oh, Sally Hansen, no one gets me like you do.

C'mon, get happy!

I absolutely cannot stop watching "Breaking Bonaduce" mostly because I find Danny Bonaduce so incredibly infuriating. And his wife too, for being such a freaking doormat.

First of all, she's doing the whole Priscilla-Presley-dyeing-her-hair-to-match-her-husband's thing and the two of them look like a sick pair of fraternal twins. It also doesn't help that Danny just generally looks like shit warmed over.

Dude. Sunscreen. You're a red-head.

It seriously just looks like Jackson Pollock got a hold of some brown paint and went to town on Danny's face.

OK, so I guess the show is supposed to be all about Danny battling his demons and doing it all on-camera so the world can see and let me tell you, it's the most entertaining train-wreck I've seen in a while. The good kind. The kind you actually want to TiVo.

So, I saw the episode where Danny talks about the affair he had and he makes this big deal about telling the audience, in a direct-address how he didn't get caught--he confessed--and the way he says it makes it obvious he thinks he deserves some kind of kudos for confessing. Ech.

Then, you see him in therapy with his wife and his absolutely insane-looking therapist. The man has clearly had so much botox, and in such strange areas that he constantly looks like he's going to burst into laughter. Granted, most of the shit that comes out of Danny's mouth is so self-absorbed, it's ludicrous, but I personally think the guy's face is just fucked. Frankly, I wouldn't trust a therapist who can only move sections of his eyebrows at a time, but that's just me.

So, Danny talked about the affair and how he's got a sex addiction too. I mean, the fact that he's a short, self-obsessed, violent alcoholic red-head isn't enough to make Gretchen run for the hills, which makes me wonder about her. Her excuse is that she wants to stay together for the kids. Hmm. I don't know how I feel about that.

And Gretchen's all, "I don't really care about sex that much," and frankly, I wouldn't either, if I was married to Danny Bonaduce.

Then we get to the part that REALLY annoyed me. So, the therapist is all, "Danny, what kind of example do you think you're setting for your kids?" Then Danny suddenly pulls this totally BS reaction of, "Hey man, don't talk about my kids." Ugh, ugh, ugh. I love how he suddenly gets all protective of his children in therapy when it's of absolutely no use to them, but when he's out screwing some nasty hos he seems to forget how his treatment of his kids' mother is going to affect them, oh I don't know, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Hey Danny, remember how Chris Rock says that the goal of a father is to keep his little girl off the pole? Well, you're kind of failing miserably. I can't really remember how that episode ended cause the teaser for the next episode, where Danny gets hooked on working out and steroids made me fast-forward the TiVo to that.
And we cut to Danny getting pumped up and generally scary. He's shooting steroids while his kids play downstairs in the livingroom. He's working out and becoming a personal trainer so he can train these slutty blonde girls. So, at his therapy session by himself, his therapist brings up the question of whether or not Gretchen knows about Danny training a bunch of "blonde 20-year olds" and I must interject at this point that those hos do NOT look 20-years old. Granted, parts of them are fairly young, but overall, I'm thinking they actually look older than me.

My lunch break ended before Danny could really get all out-of-control and violent, but let me just tell you, this show is the so yucky, you won't want to stop watching. For real, yo.

My rant about Cameron Diaz

You know that girl who grew up so pretty that she never had to worry about developing that part of her brain where "charm" and "intellect" reside? Yeah, well, once her face starts doing that haggard I've-weighed-so-much-less-than-what-a-healthy-body-weight-for-my-height-is, you really start to notice that she talks way too much about bodily functions in order to try and convince people that despite her "amazing beauty" she's really so very emotionally accessible and interesting.

God, I sound like Jeanine Garofalo sometimes. But I'm not that bitter. I swear. I mean, c'mon, I have highlights. Would a bitter woman have highlights? I didn't think so. Bitches.

I see dumb people...

I just read this article on msn.com:

Hewitt’s ghostly encounter
Jennifer Love Hewitt talks to ghosts — not only in her new TV show, but, she claims, in real life as well.

The star of “Ghost Whisperer” says she lived in a haunted house, but a “consultant” — a real-life ghost-buster, it seems — came in and rid the place of not one, but two ghosts. One was a woman who had known a previous owner of the house and one was “a young man who followed me home,” Hewitt told slack-jawed hosts of “The View.”

The ghosts had been thumping around the house, turning on an off the lights, and giving Hewitt the sniffles, sapping her energy. The consultant came in, chatted with the ghosts who passed along messages to Hewitt, then scooted off to their proper place in the afterlife.

Hewitt, however, still communicates with at least one person whose physical form has left this planet. She says a friend who has died keeps in touch with her in the form of dragonflies.

If J-Ho tries to blame these same ghosts who "sapped her energy" with stealing her talent, I may have to call foul.


And speaking of dead people, have any of you seen Star Jones lately? My God, the woman looks like a giant head balloon, attached to the body of what appears to be a deflated blow-up doll of a woman. By the way, on her website her little life motto is written right under her name and says:

"I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me."

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you the same author of the dictionary that defines your husband's questionable sexuality? Cause that would actually explain a lot.

I know I'm being a bitch

I just read this little blurb on msn:

Gwyneth Paltrow has taken some comfort in the thought that her dead dog might be in heaven, being walked by her late dad, Bruce Paltrow. “The day they had to put [the dog] to sleep — I was really upset — and someone said, ‘Oh, you know, Bruce is walking with him in heaven right now,’” she said, reports World Entertainment News Network. “I thought, ‘Wouldn’t that be great if that were true.’

Trust me--I love dogs. I love my family dog. I love my dad. But Gwyneth, seriously. Grow the fuck up. And stop naming your children after fruit.

And for real...this is news? Stop wasting my time, World Entertainment News Network, with this superficial bullshit and start reporting some stories with some meat! Like, get me some pictures of Cheeto Spearserline! Now! Go!

Where is the love?

So, on Tyra Banks' talk show, Vivica Fox apparently was talking about her relationship with 50 Cent. (Still? Really? Exactly how long did you guys "date"? Just long enough for the "Kill Bill" premiere, right?) Anyways, she says that his treatment of her was the epitome of "ghetto love." Very interesting. And, someone please remind me...why is she even on the show? What is she promoting? Booty Call II?

However, the last thing you'd want to do is confuse "ghetto love" with "black love," which is a horse of a very, very different color, my friends.

I don't feel so good

Ok, now, this is just weird. Now, even though I find it deeply disturbing, it's actually completely safe to watch at work--despite the name. I must confer with the gays about this because maybe this is "sexy" and it's just so gay that even a big ol' fruit fly like myself wouldn't be able to catch the nuances.

But seriously, if I ever decide that I want to become bulimic, I'll choose as my special "gag-trigger," the thought of an impish Alan Cumming coquettishly telling me that he "thinks it's fun to know what's important" whilst he playfully strokes his naked stomach.

The next Einstein?

London France I-Can-See-Your-Underpants Spearserline was born today in Santa Monica. If he's lucky, he'll inherit Kevin's totally rockin' sense of style and Brittany's impeccable taste in men.

Don't you love that I totally just assumed he's gonna be gay?

Breaking news...

This article on msn about Angelina Jolie's newly adopted baby girl is really quite sweet. The part I want to make fun of comes near the end of the article, where they summarily explain the Brangelina situation (for those of you who happen to be recently recovered amnesiacs, or came out of a coma five minutes ago):

Jolie was accompanied by Brad Pitt, her "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" co-star, when she went to Ethiopia in July to pick up Zahara. Rumors of Pitt and Jolie's off-screen relationship had been circulating for months.

Yeah, um, no shit Sherlock. If you can read, you probably already knew that.

No he di-in't!!!

Guy Ritchie is sooooo grounded. Looks like he quit kaballah. What? You mean, dressing up in those weirdo baby-pajama outfits for an evening of "good-old-fashioned fun" isn't quite your cup of tea? Whatta weirdo. I predicts Madonna throws herself off another horse--maybe even a bigger one this time--one of those Anheuser-Busch-type Clydesdales.

My favorite crazy ho du jour

Unfortunately, I happened to miss the first episode of the notorious "Tyra Banks Show," but the good news is that the peeps at fourfour were good enough not only to watch, but to recap for all of us to enjoy.

Oh Tyra. You so crazy.

My favorite part is that her little motivational summer camp program thing that she runs is named "T-zone." Am I the only person who remembers that your "T-zone" is the oiliest part of your face? Like where all the pimples grow?

For my L.A. homies...

Come see the Nellie Oleson's! Do it! I'm gonna. Come on, you'll love it! :)

I can't promise Janice Dickinson stumbling around and eventually falling down, or a fantastic Kimberly Stewart and/or Bobby Trendy sighting, but from what I understand, these bitches is funny!

Am I the only one?

I'm sorry...am I the only person who didn't know Kelly Rowland's real name is KELENDRIA? WTF?

The politics of Lisa

Seriously. When was the last time we had an attractive president? Health care, war, blah, blah, blah. Gimme a guy who can make it into Star Magazine's "Best Beach Bodies" issue and I'll be one happy voter.

Democracy rules, bitches.

Isn't it cute?

Awwwww...Guy Ritchie still has a cute little job that he's trying to pursue in addition to his primary duties as Mr. Madonna. No worries, Madge, I'm sure he'll grow out of it eventually. Could be worse. He could be trying to have some Mary Kay parties up in your big ol' mansion. Shoot. That could get right awkward.

My favorite Jackson...

For real, y'all. I miss Latoya. Where the hell is that bitch?

At least they didn't pilfer these jewels...

Apparently, somebody stole a bunch of Tara Reid's jewelry. I wonder how they possibly could have duped her. I mean, she did play a scientist in a movie that one time, or something.



Personally, I wouldn't fuck with ol' T-Bags, as she's known on the street. Check it, bitches.

I love that Christian Slater's gun doesn't seem to be working.

Lisa LIVE!

After recanting my story about Janice Dickinson's one-woman show for probably the 50th time and realizing just HOW MUCH I LOVE THE ATTENTION, I came up with the idea of doing a one-woman show, where I simply re-enact and effectively make fun of various bad one-woman shows that I plan on going to see.
However, for some reason, I'm fascinated with the idea of only going to see no-name women, so that when I'm making fun of the show, I'm actually the only person in the room who would have any idea of what I'm talking about. And at the end of the show, I would thank the audience, take a bow and head home to laugh about how on-the-nose I was with all of my impressions.

These boots were made for thinkin'

Lately, I've started to believe that were I to run into one of the Simpson sibs in a dark alley, they might try to eat my brain.

Which would be very unfortunate, since I'm trying to train for the L.A. marathon, and I'm pretty sure Jess thinks that your brain is in your foot.

Ah, memories...

I'm sorry, but the judge using a penis pump whilst presiding over a court is still my all-time favorite/creepiest smoking gun article I've ever read. I just thought I'd bring it back up, lest y'all had done forgotten.

Also, I've included a picture of Judge Judy on here, even though the real judge is NOT her, and she (I'm guessing) DOESN'T have a penis and is in fact, completely UNRELATED to this story, simply based on the fact that I think she's making an extremely goofy face.

That is all.

Iceman...what happened?

I'm sorry--I must have missed something. When exactly was Val Kilmer's entire head stung by bees? Or is there another reason for the grotesque swelling?

Why I think I should take vitamins

This is actually something that I just thought of when I reached to take my vitamins this morning. The last time I went to get my hair cut, I had a discussion with the girl cutting my hair about all the breakage in my hair--you guessed it people--split ends are my dirty little secret. My secret shame. And she was going through the checklist to see what I was possibly doing wrong...

Was I using the right kind of rubber bands? I was. Check.

Was I conditioning properly? I was. Check.

Was I taking vitamins on a regular basis? Ooh. Jackpot.

So, we discussed that I should be taking vitamins so that my hair would be stronger and less likely to break. And then I realized that honestly, that was my strongest motivation to take vitamins. Not for my health, but for my vanity, folks.

But seriously, that's what happens when you spend 6 years of your life growing out your hair because you know that **"boys like long hair."


**To quote my mother.

Naomi's kindness hits like a well-aimed phone...to the heart!

From VOGUE...

NAOMI'S CHARITY CATWALKS

NAOMI CAMPBELL is offering her catwalking services to any New York designer next week so long as they donate her fee to the American Red Cross to aid the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Naomi, whose first ever fashion shoot took place in New Orleans when she was 15-years-old, is determined to donate "every single penny" that she earns during the week to the cause. "It's awful to see what happened and watch grown men crying on TV because they have nothing left," she said. "When I'm looking at this [devastation], it's like I'm looking at Africa or anywhere else in the world but here. It made me think about what I could do to help." Naomi, who charges up to $50,000-per-show and already has at least six booked in for New York Fashion Week, should manage to raise a pretty impressive sum. "There was no way I could walk the runways this week and just keep my [modelling] rate," she said. "It would be fantastic if everyone joined forces to give what they can." (September 8 2005, AM)

Mick Jagger

The dude is so old now, even his clothes are wrinkly.

Ladies and gentleman, I'm an asshole

Guess why this bozo's all beat up? Check it.

Hurricanes and Tropical Storms

So, if you go to Yahoo! News Photos, you'll see this picture of Jay-Z under "Hurricanes and Tropical Storms."

Reuters - Thu Sep 8, 4:29 AM ET
Rap mogul Jay-Z is standing behind Kanye West, who went off-script to declare that 'George Bush doesn't care about black people' during his appearance in last Friday's NBC telethon for Hurricane Katrina victims. In this file picture, Jay Z gestures to photographers during arrivals for the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami August 28, 2005. (Mario Anzuoni/Reuters)

I enjoy the fact that not only is this not a picture of a Hurricane or a Tropical Storm, it's a picture of Jay-Z from the MTV Video Music Awards and NOT Kanye West. When I saved the picture onto my desktop, it even had "Jay-Z Outburst" in the file name.


I almost wish they had put this picture:

At least it's kind of tropical.

I was actually thinking about picking up smoking, until I saw this.










Is that Chris O'Donnel? I'm so confused.













Also, I didn't know Grace Slick was looking this old these days. Wow.



White rabbit indeed.

Star Jones

So, I haven't been to Star Jones' site in a little while, and decided it was time to browse. I was scrolling down through the FAQ and thought this was a very pertinent piece of Star Jones information worth sharing:

Questions about Hair, Makeup and Wardrobe

WHY DOES STAR CHANGE HER HAIR SO OFTEN?
I treat my hair like an accessory. I change it like I would my earrings, shoes or handbags…it depends on my mood. When I first started at The View, I wore wigs almost everyday. I even have my own wig line, "The Star Jones Collection" by Especially Yours. Just click on "Shopping with Star" to find out about the wig line.

Oh Star. You're such a fashion plate.

Sex in the woods?

Hmm...you be the judge.

36-year old white athletic male seeks white couple

Hey guys, remember us?

WILD ORCHID
This probably the sluttiest JC Penny ad I've ever seen.

And sadly, this is probably one of Fergie's best looks she's ever rocked. Frankly, I'm just glad all her lady and man parts are concealed from impressionable young eyes--namely mine.

Is it just me, or is Miss Piggy sporting the more sophisticated 'do?